Tears

Tears. This morning I woke up in tears. Sitting with the emotions and examining  my thoughts in the aftermath was a new experience.

I am a master storyteller and filing clerk. For years I have cataloged and filed hurts away in my brain. I thought they were safely locked away and I’d not be pulling them out for a visit ever again. Got to save stuff though – just in case. In case of what?

 This morning it hit me that I am starting to open drawers I thought were closed for good. There is some prime grade A messy material that no longer serves me in my brain’s work folders.

This morning the hum of my mental shredder was strong as I sifted through stored up hurts. I have decided those hurts  are going to either go into the shredder or they are going to be re-filed in a new folder of learned lessons.

No worries, I won’t share all of them. Just a few to show how my mind held on to perceived slights.

“People like you are a dime a dozen.” Shred. In fairness the person who said this to me – apologized a few years later. They were talking about the work role I played not about me as a person. My brain seemed to think the speaker was referring to me as a person. No longer serves me. The person apologized. Let it go. Shred.

“Go home and whine to your husband and friends about it.” Keep as a learned lesson. The owner of a company was referring to the fact that she had not paid her employees – including me – because she had used company money to buy season tickets to Giants’ games. I handed over my key and  walked out. Keep as a reminder that setting healthy boundaries is good. In hindsight this person was obviously struggling with her own demons.

“I gave you a title so I could get you cheap.” Said in front of senior managers, Shred. I always worked because I needed income. I never worked for the money or titles. Getting and keeping a job was never a problem for me. The person who said this later apologized. Those were empty words that I assigned mythical powers. Today I can see these words have zero power. It is a good reminder though that we are human and sometimes good people say stupid stuff.

I could go on and on. Over fifty years there is ample time to collect bits and pieces of words that hurt.

Sharing some of this with Joe this morning opened my eyes to how we each process differently. After listening, Joe asked if I would want to talk with a therapist to try to process the feelings. I told him, “No, I think I’d rather process through writing.”  He said, “I know your blog probably isn’t about these kinds of matters…”

And I thought, “Like Hell! I can make this blog about whatever I need.” I think I promised myself I’d go with messy when necessary.

So here is round one of messy.

To anyone who reads this. Did you experience similar processing when you retired? Is it simply the letting down of the guard, a part of healing?