From 2014 to 2020, I helped take care of an elderly uncle and his financial and healthcare affairs. Part of the care included frequent visits ( 3 to 4 times a week) with him, at an assisted living facility, during the first 4 years, I also took him to doctor appointments in Woodland and Davis. I took him shopping for items so he could have mini-trips out. We’d invite him to our home for holiday meals.
My uncle did not like me. He
told me so often. He did not like my values. He criticized the way I spent my
money. He would call me stupid on at least three occasions. I just ignored his
verbal attacks. I believed it was my responsibility to make sure his affairs
were in order as there was only one other cousin nearby to help. She helped as much as she could. Of the two of
us, she was closer in age and had lived with him for awhile when they were both
children. She had more of a relationship with him than I had growing up.
When our uncle was verbally
abusive toward her, she would come back at him with something equally caustic. He
enjoyed that. He never once apologized for his meanness. On multiple occasions
she said to me, “Beth – you are too nice. You have to tell him to go screw
himself.” I told her, “No, that’s not who I am.”
On a visit to Ohio in 2016
I asked cousins in the area if I moved my uncle to their community if they
would take turns visiting him. Every single one told me no. Some even burst
into tears as they shared stories of his cruel words to them when they were
younger and he would visit their families. Male cousins told me no they were not interested in
having him in their life as he had insulted their wives and daughters. I had
not expected this response as I figured he had saved his meanness for me.
Needless to say, we kept him in California.
As his health worsened, he
suffered from mental health issues and possible dementia – most likely brain damage from
a series of mini-strokes he experienced. His outbursts toward me and my cousin grew
so severe during this time that I stopped seeing him and asked for a psychological
review. He was declared unable to attend to his own affairs, which allowed us
to invoke his trust and have his successor trustee take over. The trustee lived
in another state, so my cousin and I continued to handle visits but only when
necessary. We attended quarterly meetings with staff at the facility he lived
in. Most direct one-on-one visits were emergency room related and I would sit
with him until he was either hospitalized or returned to the assisted living facility.
During the emergency room visits he would hold my hand and ask me to make sure they
honored his treatment wishes.
My last visit with my uncle
was after he was hospitalized in mid-July of 2020 in a comatose state. My
husband and I took turns over the next 8 days of staying at his bedside so that
he would not be alone when he passed. It was on Joe’s watch that my uncle left
this life. We were blessed that the hospital let us stay as we were in the midst of
the COVID-19 pandemic.
I tell you this story now because
it has taken me a couple of years to process all of the emotions I experienced during
the years of helping to care for my uncle. To be clear, I only saw this through
because of my other family members – my aunts and cousins who could not be here
themselves. I have a very strong sense of obligation and a desire to do the
right thing. I have no regrets. I think most of us do what we have to do.
I am happy I never became my
uncle. I never fought fire with fire. In the end that feels like a gift I gave
myself. To stay true to my beliefs.
❤
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