Unsolicited Advice

(One of my heros when I was growing up - she had the cool job!)

I am a Facebook Stalker. I enjoy reading what people post on Facebook. People I know anyway. Well sort of know. I am selective about the people I friend. I have liked them or am related to them (and I also like them). Sometimes I do hide certain posts from popping up on my timeline because the things they share can be inflammatory or downright untrue posts. I believe we have a say about what we choose to read.

What I’m wrestling with today is not political, religious, or scandalous. It is posts where people rant (including me) and people give advice. Unsolicited advice. Or is it unsolicited? One part of my brain says everything is fair game when you post on social media. I think we should be respectful. Advice is not the same as trash talking someone or shaming someone for their beliefs. I am talking about just plain old advice on how to resolve a situation.

I have tried to cure myself of posting advice. Not sure how successful I have been over the past year. Since 2021 when I chose the word “grace” as my word of the year, I have been trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt whether they are the person sharing their thoughts or the person giving advice. My mantra has become “let it be.”

Someone recently (jokingly) asked me “What is the meaning of life?” My response, “It is.” They then laughed and asked if I had any other answers for life in general. My response, “Let it be.”

Sometimes though we can’t let it be. And its in those times I want to practice grace. Do we call out racism? Bigotry? Lies? Or do we simply let it be? That’s an extreme of the advice giving. I have found over the past seven years calling people out on a ‘belief’ doesn’t make anything different. So sometimes in a split second we have to decide if what we have to say will make a difference for anyone. Is the recipient open to change or does it just make me feel better to stand up for what I believe in? Is it enough that I feel better for having spoken my mind?

Back to day-to-day stuff though. The hard part about social media is recognizing it is not a conversation. We are not having a give and take conversation, face-to-face, to be able to read the whole message including body language and voice tone to know if the person sharing wants empathy or advice. I have taken to thinking everyone is simply looking for validation that their view has merit.

I spent almost my entire career teaching people in the workplace or having answers for people. It is hard to turn the answer mode off at times and to just listen, not for content, but for empathy. I had neighbor kids coming to me for relationship advice starting when I was in 7^th grade. Most of the kids were high school students. To be fair, I had started reading Dear Ann and Dear Abby in the newspaper as soon as I could read. I thought they had the coolest jobs ever! They read letters from people and answered them with compassion and kindness. (Side note: I do not like snarky advice). Maybe if the other kids had read Ann and Abby, they would have bypassed Beth.

Anyway my point is, I have been giving out advice for MANY, MANY, MANY years and it’s a hard habit to break.

So, here’s my thought. When someone gives us unsolicited advice, what if we say, “Thank you for the idea” and move on? My theory is that you never know when the idea might come in handy in the future. And how lovely to think that someone cares enough about me or my situation to take a moment to share their thoughts or experience on a post?

By the way my word for 2023 is transformation. I chose this word because I knew there would be changes in our lives as Joe and I retired. And of course, I am always working on finding the best version of me and I know that requires me to transform emotionally, mentally, and physically. It especially means I have to work on transforming ideas and attitudes about how I choose to respond to situations.

Oh yeah, and I am sort of out of the advice business… at least on social media.