The Borowitz Report: How to Identify Fugitive Democrats

Tonight I’m sharing a piece by satirist Andy Borowitz. (Yes, Borowitz writes satire—but sometimes he feels spot on.) His latest article ties into the political drama currently unfolding in Texas.

For those not following the news closely: Democrats in the Texas legislature have left the state in an effort to block a vote on redistricting. By denying the legislature a quorum, they’ve temporarily halted a plan to create five new congressional districts favoring Republicans. This redistricting effort was ordered by House Bill 47 to help Republicans gain seats in future elections.

In retaliation, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has issued civil arrest warrants for the absent Democrats, threatening to detain them if they didn’t return by 3:00 p.m. today. Governor Greg Abbott has also chimed in, saying he will expel and replace the “rogue” Democrats if necessary.

Despite the pressure, the Texas Democrats are holding their ground—at a personal cost of $500 per day for each representative.

And in case you’re wondering whether this is the first time lawmakers have fled to avoid a vote—nope! There’s some interesting historical company. Check out these past moments of political dodgeball: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2025/08/04/texas-democrats-when-lawmakers-fled-to-avoid-votes/85515204007/.

Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more How to Identify Fugitive Democrats By Texas Governor Greg Abbott Aug 4   READ IN APP   Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call My fellow Americans: As you may know, 51 cowardly Democrat legislators are on the run from Texas. They are shirking their duty to rid our glorious state of the representative government that has plagued us for far too long. These Democrats could be anywhere. They could be in your town. They could be hiding under your bed. More likely, they are at a farmer’s market, selecting artisanal pickles. The following are tips to help you identify Democrats in your midst: Democrats are often seen carrying tote bags featuring the logos of PBS, NPR, Doctors Without Borders and other subversive organizations. Democrats can be found in Starbucks, ordering beverages with oat milk, or salads with quinoa. (Note: Democrats are the only people who like quinoa.) Democrats do not eat cats and dogs, but they do rescue them. Someone driving a car with a bumper sticker that says RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FILES could be a Democrat, but it could also be a member of QAnon. If the car stereo is playing Bruce Springsteen, it’s a Democrat. If you see someone with any of these identifying characteristics, remember: Democrats are dangerous. Some may be armed with concealed pocket Constitutions. To help bring these fugitives to justice, immediately report your sighting to Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton. He will be standing by at one of his three primary residences. God Bless America, Gov. Greg Abbott