Unraveling

 

People may call what happens at midlife ‘a crisis’, but it’s not. It’s an unraveling – a time when you need a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re ‘supposed to live.”

-         Brené Brown

Wow! I spend my whole life trying to be on time and discover that midlife is considered between the ages of 40 and 60.  So I’m a late midlife crisis bloomer.

I like Brené’s use of the word ‘unraveling.’ That is much of how I felt from 2020 through 2022 while working in the field of human resources. I watched people around me unraveling at the same time I was trying to hold it together. As executive leadership I believed I needed to lead by example and be strong. I also tried to be transparent and express what I was experiencing so that people around me would know it was okay to be vulnerable during a difficult time.

I am not sure if I succeeded or failed at the transparency part. I am not sure if it even matters anymore. I did what I thought was right at the time and I have to trust it was enough.

I think I am trying to explore the idea of transparency in my retirement writings. Part of me looks at my last two days and thinks, “Well that sounds sort of whiney.” And another part of me says, “Authenticity is important for you to convey to yourself and to anyone else reading the blog.”

I unraveled in 2021 and decided I wanted to retire four years ahead of my original schedule. I then spent the next 18 months working toward making sure when I retired there could be as smooth of a transition as possible. That meant beginning to divest myself of tasks and delegating to other members of the administrative team.

During the 18 months my unraveling was not just my emotional state it was the unraveling of the web of tasks I had taken on over the 7 years and 11 months of employment.  Working for small companies it is easy to learn a boatload of handy skills and to work cross departmentally. It was always a pleasure until I unraveled and realized that the company was growing (we went from 25 to 68 employees over the years) and needed someone fresh. That realization was a blow to my ego, At the same time I wanted to end my career before I became a liability.

I am thankful for Brené Brown’s quote as it feels positive. Instead of saying I was burnt out. I can say, “Now is the time to live the life I want to live.” Hurray for the process of unraveling.