Reflection

While this quote made me laugh out loud, I kept mulling over how it took me years to stop stuffing emotions.

Growing up I would hear from the adults around me - parents, aunts, grandparents, teachers - how I needed to manage my emotions. I don’t recall if uncles ever said things to me about feelings or emotions. I suspect not as they were busy with their own life interests.

As the oldest of five children, I knew that I was a role model so not only did I have a responsibility to ‘control’ how I projected what I was feeling – I would be responsible for how my siblings would learn to regulate their emotions.

“You shouldn’t feel hurt. They were just kidding.” (People could use mean or nasty words about you, but they were only kidding so it was okay. The irony is how in the heck does a child know this about adult behavior)?

“Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about.” (Obvious message was that physical pain was the only reason to cry).

“Suck it up. Nobody else needs to know how you feel. They got their own lives to deal with.”

“You are too sensitive.”

Of course, I grew up thinking emotions were messy and since I had these feelings there must be something wrong with me. Other people had better emotional control.

Except I knew about anger. I saw grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers, store owners, friends of the family, all express anger on occasion. Anger was an okay emotion to express. And that message also taught me that anger could NOT be controlled by other people.

Too late, being an all or nothing person. I buried anger for years. Turning it inward on myself.

I have never learned 100% how to manage feelings nor to completely ‘stuff them in the trunk.’ Until I was in my forties, I would cry every time someone said something that hurt my feelings. I would cry if I felt angry. And I learned really early that tears were considered a weakness by some people and as a weapon to manipulate by other people. Nobody told me crying was a natural response.

The Corporate World also made it clear about  feelings and emotions not being welcomed in the workplace. Unless of course it was a manager or business owner. They could express anger, frustration, arrogance with no consequences or repercussions. I was supposed to be stoic and not respond.  I learned to leave the room after what felt like personal attacks. “Thank you for letting me know your thoughts. Could you excuse me for a moment?” Then off to the bathroom to sob it out, splash my face, and return to the meeting.

Over the years, when faced with what I came to recognize as personal attacks (often they only had part of the story and I wasn’t the person they should have been attacking or admonishing), I learned to sit quietly and let the other person rant. Meditation helped me to listen without engaging in judging what I was feeling. I knew it would pass and the more still I was the more out of control they appeared. Had I felt physically threatened I would definitely have walked out.

I am not sure I have a clear understanding of emotional regulation and emotional stuffing. I think the difference SHOULD be that it is okay to express an authentic emotion and that we can still be responsible with the words we use.  I recognize my feelings do not give me the right to say things that are destructive to other people.

I have learned to be more mindful over the years. I am entitled to my emotions and feelings. At the same time, I can also ask questions and not make assumptions. I have worked hard at not writing ‘stories in my head’ about other people’s motives. I’ve learned to ask questions to have a better understanding of the message. I’ve learned it doesn’t matter if I behave perfectly, someone else will not be mindful about how they express themselves – because they don’t care how their words are received.