What Has Made You Fierce?

It turns out that having someone who believed in my failure more than in my success kept me alert. It made me fierce. Without ever meaning to, my father taught me at an early age to give up on the idea of approval. I wish I could bottle that freedom now and give it to every young writer I meet, with an extra bottle for the women. (Ann Patchett, My Three Fathers, New Yorker, 10/5/2023)

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/10/05/my-three-fathers

The above excerpt is from an essay by Ann Patchett published in the New Yorker in October 2020. The essay, My Three Fathers, was recommended to me by someone. I think it was my friend Jen Longworth who is always reading something of interest and passing it along to me.

The essay is excellent as expected. What surprised me was how the piece moved me. When I came across the paragraph above I knew this was exactly the words I needed to see.

There are two points I want to explore in today’s writing.

(1)   The idea that we can become fierce in our desire to succeed when someone thinks we will fail and,

(2)   Giving up on the idea of approval from others gives us freedom to be our true selves.

Unlike Ann Patchett, my father was not my influencer on these points. My father’s influences were more in line with work hard no matter what obstacles are in your way and don’t quit, no matter what.

The person I would credit with making me fierce in my pursuits to succeed would be a High School counselor. In my senior year, the school counselor advised me to “get married and have babies. You are not college material.” Fortunately, I ignored the advice. Oh, I got married at 18 years old; however, I pursued a business career and part-time college simultaneously until my daughter was born when I was 36 years old. Finally getting a bachelor’s degree at age 42. I always did well in college so obviously I was college material. It makes me wonder how many other people this counselor tried to discourage.

Giving up on the idea of approval is still a work in progress for me. It wasn’t until I retired that I felt I could live with the vulnerability of giving up the need for approval. When I started this blog, I decided I would write it as if it were a personal journal – meant only for my eyes and for those friends who want to keep up with what is happening with me without the need to call and ask me. Some days I feel a tad but guilty that it is not meant for entertaining. Then I remind myself it is meant to be about the journey and not about pleasing someone else.

A few people have told me they think I should write a book or try to publish what I write. I tell each one no. I want this to be authentic and not an approval seeking piece. I want to write what my soul wants to write about on any day without the need to please an audience. Please don’t think that means I don’t care about you. I do. My question is how do I stay authentic to me if I am writing to please you?  Perhaps in the act of honing my daily writing you will like what I write and we each win. For now, it seems a safer way for me to continue to work on giving up the idea of approval.