In the Past - A Difficult Decision

What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever made?

The first thought that popped into my head was, “Deciding to end my first marriage of nineteen years.” The idea of “divorce as wrong” was ingrained into me from childhood on. I also knew that marriage was not easy so quitting seemed like a huge failure on my part. Once I made the decision, I was afraid to tell my mom as I thought she would be disappointed in me.

My mom was supportive of my decision. She may not have understood my decision and yet she let me know she would be there for me to talk with if I needed to process. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law were also understanding and kept the door open for a relationship. Nineteen years of family meant something to them.

As difficult as the decision was to make, the divorce was the best thing for my first husband and for me and ultimately for our one-year-old daughter. The biggest blessing was that the divorce made space for the first husband and for me to find more suitable life partners. Our daughter benefitted from having parents who were emotionally more present with her and not using all of their energy trying to hold together a marriage that was painful for both parties.

During the divorce I also learned that what I feared most never happened. My family and friends did not disown me. I was not alone for the rest of my life. My daughter did not grow up without role models.

In the years that have followed my own divorce, I have had the opportunity to observe friends’ divorces. In every solitary case their next relationship has so far turned out to be much better than the relationship they left. Do we learn lessons along the way that make us better partners? Do we learn to let go sooner of relationships that do not serve us – before we marry the person? Have we learned to choose partners that have the traits most important to us?

Maybe it’s a little bit of all of those or something entirely different. In my case a significant factor was maturity. The man I married at eighteen was not the same man I chose to marry at thirty-eight. All is well that ends well.