Finding My Way

The above really resonated with me when I read it. Since my retirement on December 31, 2022, I haven’t really had time to experience “retirement without a plan.” From January until the end of March we were busy packing, working on the house, and packing and planning for our road trip.

From the end of March until July 1^st we were traveling. From July 1st until mid-July, we were setting up our flat in Minnesota, then there was the family reunion in Ohio. The last two weeks I have been busy taking care of family business. Fun stuff like address changes, insurance research, establishing new bank accounts and processing my application for a short-call substitute teacher credential in Minnesota.

Today we drove over to the Minnetrista Police Department to get fingerprinted. I was then able to finalize my end of the teaching credential process by mailing the packet of completed documents to the Minnesota Educator Licensing and Standards Board. I have an interview next Monday morning with the agency that provides substitute teachers to schools in the district.

Here I am with all my planned stuff completed, except for finalizing some plans for our trip to Bend, Oregon and Woodland, CA in September.

Back to the saying/meme above. I retired because I was exhausted, mentally, and realized there had to be more to my life than taking care of everyone else. During COVID-19 restrictions I went even further than usual in my zealousness to serve others and it ran me into an emotional darkness that would not allow me to forgive others who were mean. My ability to set boundaries was stretched even thinner than usual. In July 2020 I was also dealing with the hospitalization of my uncle and his subsequent death within eight days of his being hospitalized, while still grieving for my younger sister who died in 2019. I stuffed down my emotion and kept trying to serve others.

During this time, I had a terrific job that had amazing benefits, a decent salary, some amazing co-workers, and lots of opportunity to make a difference in the lives of the people I served. What I didn’t talk about, except with a very few, was the crazy-making behaviors and words of some of the people working with me. When I gave notice in the spring of 2021 that I would retire on December 31, 2022, it was the day I realized that the crazy-making was sucking my soul and that I thought I was failing or would be failing the company soon because I didn’t have the strength to keep on fighting the ugliness of a few people. And the people who acted ugly before my decision to retire began to act even uglier when they knew I was leaving.

Wow. I said that out loud. Or wrote it down for posterity. I will own my decision based on my world view and feelings.

This decision and the feelings associated with the ‘dark days’ are long behind me now. I chose 2023 as my year of transformation. I wanted to get my head straight and find a way to keep moving forward while rediscovering what would bring me joy. Being in friends’ space brings me joy. Hearing people’s stories brings me joy. Being with Joe Coehlo brings me joy. Being nearer to Megan and seeing her more brings me joy. Getting to know Jeremy and the grandchildren brings me joy.

If I had stuck with my job until seventy years old, which had been my plan for years, I would have been putting my life on hold. For what? Money? Helping others feel good when it was depleting my energy for much of anything else? For awhile I thought I was a failure for wanting to retire at sixty-seven instead of seventy. After reading the above meme a few days ago, I decided it was courage that drove me. The courage to not settle.  The courage to put me and Joe and my family first.

I am happy. I have been for months. I am also blessed that I could make the decision to retire at sixty-seven.

I have made space to explore and connect with "what is for me" going forward.