Bucket List

The meme above has inspired me to think about what I would write on a bucket list. I suspect it may take time to flesh one out.

Here is what I would put on it today:

•      Travel within the United States to visit friends and family without a tight timeline. I want to meander!

o   See New York City.

o   Visit Maine.

o   Take Joe to see Laurel Mountain area of Pennsylvania.

o   Visit National Parks

o   Sit on Elizabeth’s patio in the morning (Gilbert, AZ) and listen to the quiet.

o   Spend time with amazing friends like Anne, Marjorie, Linda, and others who can be available to us.

o   Spend time with my nieces and nephews while I can still travel to them.

•  Alaskan Cruise
• Meet Heather Cox Richardson.
• Visit Italy

What would have been on an old bucket list (These are situations that were important to me and I can mark off as accomplished:

·         Go to college.

·         Have a fulfilling career.

·         Have children.

·         Become a grandparent.

·         Live in another country (Egypt).

·         Retire

·         Stay in a 5 Star Resort (Egypt for a week on the Red Sea).

·         Take a hot air balloon ride.

·         Soaring (Sailplanes)

·         Spend time with friends.

There is something to be said for Bucket lists. The completed list becomes a gratitude list for all that I have been fortunate to do. The To-Do list is a reminder of good things to come.

Do you have a bucket list? Do you share it with others?

Unraveling

 

People may call what happens at midlife ‘a crisis’, but it’s not. It’s an unraveling – a time when you need a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re ‘supposed to live.”

-         Brené Brown

Wow! I spend my whole life trying to be on time and discover that midlife is considered between the ages of 40 and 60.  So I’m a late midlife crisis bloomer.

I like Brené’s use of the word ‘unraveling.’ That is much of how I felt from 2020 through 2022 while working in the field of human resources. I watched people around me unraveling at the same time I was trying to hold it together. As executive leadership I believed I needed to lead by example and be strong. I also tried to be transparent and express what I was experiencing so that people around me would know it was okay to be vulnerable during a difficult time.

I am not sure if I succeeded or failed at the transparency part. I am not sure if it even matters anymore. I did what I thought was right at the time and I have to trust it was enough.

I think I am trying to explore the idea of transparency in my retirement writings. Part of me looks at my last two days and thinks, “Well that sounds sort of whiney.” And another part of me says, “Authenticity is important for you to convey to yourself and to anyone else reading the blog.”

I unraveled in 2021 and decided I wanted to retire four years ahead of my original schedule. I then spent the next 18 months working toward making sure when I retired there could be as smooth of a transition as possible. That meant beginning to divest myself of tasks and delegating to other members of the administrative team.

During the 18 months my unraveling was not just my emotional state it was the unraveling of the web of tasks I had taken on over the 7 years and 11 months of employment.  Working for small companies it is easy to learn a boatload of handy skills and to work cross departmentally. It was always a pleasure until I unraveled and realized that the company was growing (we went from 25 to 68 employees over the years) and needed someone fresh. That realization was a blow to my ego, At the same time I wanted to end my career before I became a liability.

I am thankful for Brené Brown’s quote as it feels positive. Instead of saying I was burnt out. I can say, “Now is the time to live the life I want to live.” Hurray for the process of unraveling.

Adulting

 Adulting. The practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially the accomplishment of mundane but necessary tasks. (Online Oxford Dictionary).

 I first heard about this term from my daughter when she turned 18 (she’ll be 31 next month).

I would also hear people at work use the term:       

            “I was adulting this weekend and filed my income taxes.”

            “I did adulting this weekend and went grocery shopping.”

            “Adulting is for workdays only. My weekends are for rest.”

Today, I had my first moment, in years,  of wanting to shed “adulting” and climb under the covers and hide in my bed. It was when I got the quote for the bathroom repair. On the positive side, the repair is scheduled for tomorrow and Tuesday. Thank goodness we are retired and don’t have to plan to take time off of work while the repair person is on the job. Just in time for the all-house Inspector on Wednesday.

Another stroke of good fortune was that Home Depot in Natomas had laminate we liked and at a reasonable price.

Adulting with Joe Coehlo is a blessing. I told him I am grateful he remains calm and doesn’t get angry when things go cattywampus in life. He stays the course and will try to help in whatever way he can. I am not on this life journey alone.

Adulting tip of the day: When you have new flooring installed in a bathroom – make sure the installer does not caulk all of the way around your toilet when they reinstall the toilet. We are told that there should be a 2” gap in the caulking at the back of the toilet. This gap means that if there is a leak - that could potentially create mold – the water will leak through the gap and you can get it repaired immediately. Our floor covering installer did not leave a gap so we did not know there was a leak until the linoleum changed color – by then it was too late. We have to have a new subfloor and new linoleum as a result.

Annoyed (Past Tense)

 When I sat down to write today’s blog, I was surprised to discover I spent most of my day feeling annoyed.

Annoyance isn’t something I feel often – at least not for an entire day.

I was annoyed that it was cold outside when it looked warm.

I was annoyed that I could hear running water at 2:00am – there was no running water to be found. I was annoyed that it was suggested the sound was from a computer because we turn computers off before  bed.

I was annoyed with the people driving their cars on my way to feed Kim’s cats while she was out of town. I was annoyed with Squeak for running behind the couch when I came in. At least Stash will sit and stare at me. Squeak and Stash are the cats, I probably should have mentioned that.

I was annoyed that we discovered we will need a new subfloor in the guest bathroom that we could have mitigated had I known why the linoleum was turning colors next to the toilet. The color change was from mold. Glad we caught it now. But really, shouldn’t I have known??? I was pretty much annoyed with myself because I didn’t figure it out earlier. I was also annoyed with Joe because he didn’t know. He is usually on top of this fix-it stuff.

I was annoyed that the flour I needed for dinner was on the second shelf of the cupboard that I couldn’t reach. I often use a spatula to move items to the front of the shelf and have the container drop into my arms. However, the flour is stored in a one gallon glass jar and it was behind other jars. I decided to do other prep work and not bother Joe since he was working in the garage. When he came in, he hauled the flour down and washed dishes from my prep work.

I was annoyed that he was doing the dishes because he worked hard all day while I did mostly inventory pricing and trip preparation. Those were my dishes to do!

I was annoyed because after he offered to grate parmesan cheese for the potato dish, I was cooking he was grating it when I wanted it shredded. I was annoyed because he couldn’t read my mind. He shredded the rest of the cheese and it all worked out.

I was annoyed that I was annoyed.

I am working at changing my perspective. When I ask myself if this will matter next week or even next month? The answer is no. 

So now I truly hope I’m finished being annoyed for the day as it feels very unpleasant. Tomorrow will be a better day!

Working at Living

 One of the benefits of retirement is how much I appreciate the cadence of our days. I am also learning to appreciate the excitement of daily tasks that felt cumbersome while I was working. Now the days feel richer than I had anticipated and I feel an appreciation for our accomplishments.

As we plan our cross-country  drive to visit people and see sites, I am preparing the interior of our home for a renter. We had a cleaning company for most of our married years and I cancelled the service last August. Joe and I agreed we would pick up the cleaning of our own home to save money toward our move to Minnesota. Yesterday one of my big chores was to deep clean the bathroom.

The bathroom sparkled. Last night after showering, Joe said, “The shower looks impressive. Better than new. Even better than the professional cleaning company ever did. You are hired.”

Me: “I’m retired.” (Meaning (1) I had time to do it thoroughly and, (2) I am not going to be deep cleaning bathrooms on a regular basis).

This morning at 8:30am Joe and I drove to the Natomas area of Sacramento so we could complete our TSA applications, stop at Home Depot (right next door to the Staples where we finished up our TSA apps), and another stop in the same center to offload some older model iPhones. Then we drove to Winters to pick up our final wine and cheese club selections at Turkovich Family Wines.

Then home for a lunch of crackers, cheese, olives, and dried and fresh fruits.

We began the afternoon with a few more chores. Then while I finished up our 2022 taxes, Joe grocery shopped.

Here’s the thing – we both find ourselves enjoying what we used to call ‘chores’ and feeling satisfaction from our accomplishments.  Joe is no longer building sensors for space research and I am not trying to solve workplace issues and help to build a positive culture for seventy people. We are instead finding delight in running errands and finishing home projects. Who knew?

I think Chio Chao knew! Chio and the department he works in at Hygieia gave me the desk plaque below. The ‘terrifying’ part has a history between Chio and me. When the people at work filmed a retirement video gift for me, they asked people to share one word they thought described me. Chio selected ‘terrifying’ and then continued with “…terrifyingly one of the hardest workers I know.” Chio has a sense of humor I appreciate to the depths of my soul. He is definitely a point of light in so many folks’ lives, including mine. And now I discover he is also an oracle.

A Day in the Life of a Retired Couple

 We are staying busy these days with work around the house – both inside and outside. Today Joe worked on getting a final coat of paint on the top trim of the eastern side of the house. This is ladder work so I sat in the sunshine watching him. Prior to the sunshine I was deep cleaning the master bathroom. Yes, we know how to have fun! Can’t be all movies and reading around here.

After the painting, we drove over to Main Street Café and shared a sausage and wild mushroom pizza and a Caesar salad. Next stop was Tia Judith Confections to try a lemon custard tart and a scone (yes, cutting sugar out of my diet is on hold this week). We ended our outing with a stop at Ace Hardware for cement as Joe discovered two fence posts that needed repair in one corner of the yard. He’s out in the yard fixing the posts right now.

As I was sitting in the sunshine earlier, I realized how much I love living in the moment. There is no worry that we need to hurry to get something done because we only have a weekend to get our projects accomplished. I have a calendar to keep track of commitments but we can easily plan around appointments like taking  or picking a friend up at the airport (one of our friends leaves for Alaska tomorrow morning and another arrives from Arizona on Monday morning), or going to complete our TSA approvals, or going to Winters to pick up our wine and cheese club releases.  

Joe has lists of items to accomplish and we are still in the throes of inventorying (Joe) and valuing (me) all of Joe’s tools. I keep my to do list in my head. Joe worries we won’t get everything done before we take off in early March for a week or so to visit friends and family in Northern California and Oregon. I know we will get it all done because we have already accomplished a lot since January 6^th. When I pointed that out to him he told me he will worry anyway because that’s what he does.

To help spur us to stay focused we have scheduled an All House Inspection and a Pest Inspection for next week. We wanted to get these done to help us identify problem areas we just aren’t seeing as we have lived in this house for thirty years (less our year in Egypt). The inspections will also help us to decide what to repair or hire out to be repaired in the next 60 days.

To the people who expressed concern that I would be bored in retirement: I am not the least bit bored, I feel energized!

Fenton

 

My earliest days of reading lessons included learning to read the title page, the publication page, and so on before actually beginning to read the first chapter. So, I didn’t do this yesterday while reading the delightful and thought-provoking Fenton written by Noel Meyer.

I read the publishing page this morning and got one of several laugh out loud moments this gem of a book provided me. It starts with the traditional, “This is a work of fiction…” and then continues , “excluding this section, as that would cause quite a distressing paradox.” There is more – I won’t spoil it for future readers.

I purchased Noel’s first book after meeting him virtually during a work-related function. I hope we get the opportunity to meet him in person this coming year on our travels. Fenton has been sitting on the top of my “to read” stack of books since mid-October. Yesterday morning, I woke up determined to start on the pile. And what a treat to start with Noel Meyer!

The back cover reads: While awaiting trial for an unknown crime, vagabond city-dweller Fenton Le Marke forges an unlikely bond with a devout priest, Father Elijah.

In 110 pages, Noel’s words transported me to a place and time unknown. Yet it was a world I quickly visualized. I could hear sounds and see  places through Fenton Le Marke’s eyes. He makes choices that go against his nature and deals with the demons of life-long habits. And the question you may ask yourself at the end is, “was Fenton redeemed?”

Meanwhile Father Elijah stays true to his calling as a priest. His faith and belief cause him to act in ways that are at first foolish and ultimately sacrificial. Parts of Noel Meyer’s book remind me of one of my all-time favorite books, “Magnificent Obsession” by Lloyd C. Douglas. Does any one person’s life have more value than another’s? Who decides?

For me the book also evoked a sense of Charles Dickens “Oliver Twist” and a little bit of Stephen King (pick any book).

This post, by the way, is not a paid promotion! It is simply a tribute to one young man’s first publication  as a writer. You go, Noel!

If you are interested in your own copy of Fenton you can purchase it on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/FENTON-Noel-Meyer/dp/B0BF2XB91N/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=fenton+noel+meyer&qid=1674666065&sr=8-1

Guilty Pleasure - Afternoon Matinee

Joe and I went to the movies at 3:15pm on a Tuesday. Wow! We had not seen a movie together at a movie theater in over 4 years – possibly longer. We both enjoyed watching “A Man Called Otto.” Shortly after the film began, Joe turned to me and whispered, “Did you want me to see this movie because Otto reminds you of me.” Sort of. Kind of. Maybe. I’ll admit while watching the movie trailers the character reminded me of Joe.

I think of Joe as the sweetest man I’ve ever known. He calls himself a “Grumpy Old Fart.” At one point he even had a sign in the machine shop at work with the letters GOFF. When asked he told me it was the acronym for Grumpy Old Fart. I told him that was GOF, and he told me it looked better with two Fs.

Anyway, there definitely are similarities between Joe and Otto. The first is their interest in anything mechanical. There were scenes throughout the movie when Joe would turn to me and give me a ‘Joe smile’. I can’t call it a grin. The smile meant, “This seems familiar.”  Another similarity is Joe’s willingness to help others when they are clear in their need. And, of course, Joe loves to teach people how to take care of or fix items. There is a scene in the film where Otto shows a young man how to repair the chain on a bicycle. Over the 29 years I’ve been married to Joe, I have watched this same scene play out over and over as he instructed our children, neighbor children, and other people to fix their bikes.

As much as I was watching the movie, I was watching Joe’s response to the film. A major breakthrough was that he did not fall asleep during the film! Now this could be he was entertained, or it may be a sign that he is finally not sleep deprived after a few weeks of retirement.

A Man Called Otto is a beautiful movie. I laughed aloud, I cried. It was a perfect reminder that all of us can and do make a difference in the lives of the people around us – people we care about and perfect strangers.

Tomorrow, I plan to write about a wonderful first novel written by Noel Meyer.

Sleep

 

Sleep is definitely different for me post-retirement. In the past three weeks, bedtime has moved from 8:30 pm to 10:30 pm. When I happen to wake up in the middle of the night, I go right back to sleep. Occasionally I will pick up my phone to turn on a sleep story or mood music which lulls me quickly back to sleep. I wake up around 5:00am or 5:30am and instead of getting up to get ready for work, I lay still for a moment and think about my daily plans. I may fall back asleep if there is nothing pressing before 8:00 am in the morning and wake up around 7:00am, refreshed ready to tackle whatever comes up during the day.

I do not miss feeling tired. For the last thirty years, I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work. One night recently I woke up and thought of something at Hygieia. I quickly caught myself with the thought of, “Wait this is not your concern anymore.” Liberation!

Mornings are relaxing around here now. I use the time for taking care of our financial/personal affairs, making appointments, and dinner prep work, house cleaning, and planning for our move to Minnesota. Around the first of February I will begin formally mapping out our U.S. car trip to visit friends and family (and sites along the way).

Afternoons are meditation, hypnotherapy, writing time, errands, catching a show or two on my computer, reading, and getting dinner on the table. Prior to retirement Joe cooked, so my cooking is another change for us. Today is crockpot meatloaf, mashed potatoes and green beans. That will set us up for leftovers over the next three days.

Here is the best part of this whole retirement deal (at least for today): I can choose to do pretty much what I want to do, when I want to do it, and with whomever I want to do it with every single day!

Finally when I lay down to sleep, I have no trouble falling asleep. No tossing or turning. No thinking about my workday or planning the next workday. 

I wonder how long I can put up with this little to no-stress life?

Every Thought is Not Valuable - Maybe

 

Back in the 1980’s I took a Business Law class. In the cases we studied, I would feel conflicted as I could see both sides of the case. Once I asked my law teacher, who happened to be a practicing attorney, how to overcome this conflict inside of me and move off of what I called “fence sitting.”  His response, “If you decide to go to law school and want to practice, come see me.” It seems that being able to see both sides can be a good skill to have.

When I saw today’s meme, it immediately lifted me up. Then, as I sometimes (okay, maybe often) do, I began to analyze other feelings that surfaced for me. In an attempt to not sound to contrary, I looked at the individual lines to see if I could identify what might provoke the secondary feelings.

Saying less is incredibly helpful.

Unless you are speaking words of encouragement, I agree with this line.

Every thought is not valuable.

          Yes, it is if it leads us to understanding. Who gets to determine what thoughts are valuable and which are not? Perhaps the listener or the reader? That’s fine we can listen to understand – not judge. However, we do not have to give voice to every thought – valuable or not.

Every feeling does not need to be voiced.

            Yes and no. More important is being selective about to whom we share our feelings. I struggle with ruling this out because I am an expert at masking or burying feelings. At least the feelings I consider negative. Meditation over the past 5 years has helped me to understand that feelings in and of themselves are not good or bad – they just are. I can say I feel love far easier than I can say I feel shame or anger. Demonstrating and naming our feelings helps us to move on.

            At the same time, I have heard people use their frustration or anger in a situation without making any effort to rein in mean words. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” NO! Not true. Words have incredible power.

What is often best is slowing down to spend time developing a clearer and more informed perspective.

            This is a hard YES! To be clear, I often talk situations through with my husband or a good friend to help me develop a clearer and more informed perspective. I value the opinions of people willing to straight up give me a different perspective.

Ego rushes and reacts, but peace moves intentionally and gently.

            This is also a hard YES! I have been tripped up by ego so often in the past. I started working on recognizing my ego actions years ago and still work at stepping back. The most important tool for my ego is to say to myself “Let me think about it.”  This has helped me to listen to others with a more open mind. During the COVID-19 pandemic I had daily opportunities to practice this stepping back. People around me were emotionally exhausted, looking for answers, and fearful. I was getting suggestions daily, sometimes multiple times a day, on how I could do a better job of supporting the individuals talking with me. It was exhausting to not react from a place of ego.

Now that I am retired and working on me, instead of helping others work on me, it is far less taxing. My ego had taken quite a battering for almost three solid years.

Kudos to Yung Pueblo for his work and for stimulating me to think deeper about his words of wisdom. Check him out at https://yungpueblo.com/about.

The 4th Real Saturday of retirement

Today was a real Saturday, as opposed to the other six Saturdays I have in the week now that I am retired.

Today I was puzzling over what days look like now that I don’t have to try to do everything around working for someone else. Over a dinner, that I cooked (gasps by friends are occurring… yes, I have been cooking more since retirement), Joe and I talked about how we have complementary skills, He also asked me if I wanted to have our own shrimp farm when we move to Minnesota. Since he already wants a fishpond, a heated workshop, and a decent sized property for a garden and chickens, I suggested we forego the shrimp. Especially since I’m not sure how that would work year-round in Minnesota. I suspect he suggested it because my favorite food is shrimp…

Imagine my relief that 22 days into retirement Joe and I are still talking to each other. I have managed to keep myself from managing him. Some gnashing of teeth and biting of my tongue have occurred. Our brains work differently. Joe likes to talk an entire project out and get my input before proceeding. I on the other hand, know what I want to accomplish and have a tendency to dive right in. My thought is I’ll adjust as I go along.

Joe worked with metal for most of his lengthy career. Metal is not forgiving. I’ve worked with pen and paper, typewriters, computer software. Making changes was easier in my work. Oh, and I worked with people, whereas Joe worked alone in the shop a great deal of the time. My theory is that if your work centers around interactions with other people then flexibility is important.

We have both formed habits along the way that served us well. Now we are learning to live with each other twenty-four/seven.  A few of the many traits I admire about Joe include his willingness to figure out how to fix broken items, his love for the earth and living creatures (except for when Alto, our grand cat who lives with us, wants to be fed at 5:00am. Joe gets up and feeds her but pretty sure he doesn’t love her in that moment), and his sense of adventure.

I am glad we are able to sit over dinner and talk. No more work stories, No more feelings of frustration when things aren’t the way we would like them to be. I experienced this really unusual feeling this evening as we communed over dinner. It took me a moment to identify it as contentment. In that moment I recognized I was enjoying a leisurely dinner, and all was right in my world.

I may be recovering from my work addiction.

Kick it Up A Notch

Over these first three weeks of my retirement, I have been scheduling daily connections because I love these people and also, so I have a reason to get dressed each day and go out for a bit. Today I have plans for lunch with my friend Ginger, While I didn't go out yesterday, Kim stopped by for a glass of wine after her workday ended and Sarah met up with her at my house before they went out to dinner. I deeply appreciate the time people are making in their life for me. 

I especially look forward to my weekly virtual connection with my friend J back east. The first time we met, virtually, I felt an instant connection. Over the last couple of years, it has only grown stronger. She is on our list of people to visit during our upcoming trip.

This morning we talked about our children, the health of other family members, and her art goals among other topics. She asked me a question this morning, “Are you still practicing your regiment?” She was referring to a program I started last spring where I eliminated certain foods in an effort to focus on healthy eating. From early May until late October, I made significant changes in my daily food habits, and it paid off handsomely. The program was simple in my mind. Easy to do and I was rewarded with more energy, increased focus, a positive outlook, and weight loss.

I am so glad J brought this up as it reminded me that I have pledged to restart the program tomorrow! As in Saturday, January 21, 2023. As soon as I put a commitment down, I tend to stick with the commitment date. One example of how this works for me is that I decided in November of 1990 to stop smoking cigarettes as of midnight on December 31^st. I did quit – cold turkey. Haven’t had a cigarette since that time.

A second example is I made the commitment in 2021 to retire at the end of 2022 and putting a date on the plan helped me to focus on making it a reality.

Making my mind up is always the first step. Setting a deadline or date to start is the second step. Implementation is the third step. I wish food were that simple. Giving up cigarettes, retirement, our upcoming trip, and moving to Minnesota seem so much simpler than food programs. Since the last Thursday in December, I have been enjoying a daily one-hour hypnotherapy session for weight loss. I have lost zero pounds; however, I have been having impressive deep relaxation sessions.

I have concluded, as I started my fourth week of hypnotherapy, it is because all of the suggestions (so far) that are being planted in my brain are already known to me. I already know all of the right things to do. It is motivation that I lack. Or perhaps that my desire for certain foods exceeds my desire to feel great. What in the heck is that about??

Last year I did a weeklong deep dive into emotional eating and discovered I am not an emotional eater. I have never figured out what I am except that I love the tastes of certain foods and my ‘full’ thermometer is broken on occasion. I am convinced though that if I can move more, it will all help. So here is my plan starting tomorrow:

·         Back on program of eliminating dairy, alcohol, gluten, caffeine, and sugar.

·         Move more! I have a couple of videos I’ve downloaded to get started with 5–10-minute movement sessions at least three times a day (Morning, lunch time, after dinner).

Thank you, J, for the inspiration.

I got this!

Unsettling News

Today something happened to a family member that made me feel very unsettled. A lay-off after 5 years of working for a company. The reason was “not enough work.” The company hired an outside Human Resources person to deliver the news via a virtual meeting. The truth is that as a small family-owned business the owner’s son has decided he can do the work of the laid-off person. Not that he has been able to do it in the past. I get that he wants to show dad how good he can be for the company. I understand that dad feels obligated to give his son a job.

This makes me think of the announcement yesterday that 10,000 Microsoft workers are getting laid off. I think about all of the people at Twitter, Amazon, and Salesforce who have recently lost their jobs.

All I can think of is how they will make ends meet in the coming months while collecting unemployment and job hunting? Severance packages certainly help. Not everyone gets a severance package and sometimes the package has so many strings attached that people reject them to better their odds of finding employment. In 2020, one of my other family members lost his job of thirty plus years and was told he could have $3000 severance as long as he agreed to not work in the same field for three years. He refused the severance deal.  

Unemployment is not so bad if you are living at home, have no student loans, no car payment, or no children to support. Our family member resides in a state where the unemployment payout is 50% of their last income and is taxable income.

I know our family member will find another job. I know that this opens the door for a better situation for them overall. I know they are resilient. The upside is that there are jobs to be had out there right now. And once they get a new job they will be valued because they are someone who knows how to show up and work.

Sigh. Some days I wish I were the boss of the world. Wait, that would mean I could never retire again. Never mind. I'll settle for providing emotional support.

Reclaiming My Power

 

Reclaiming My Power

Over the years I managed to make an art of self-avoidance. In retirement I am figuring out how to face myself and mostly to accept myself. Learning from an early age that keeping the peace and being organized staved off chaos for myself and for others. I kept using the same tool relentlessly in my pursuit of a better life.

In my view a better life meant everyone around me would be happy and feel fulfilled. I loved the work I did over the years. Everything from creating a spreadsheet to developing a leadership program gave me inner satisfaction. Teaching poetry to fourth through sixth grade students or creating a yearbook with similar aged children was rewarding. When we lived in Egypt I could not work in a paying job, so I found a way to clean up a small library that with attention grew into a larger library for expats and the Egyptian’s working in our building. I also volunteered in Megan’s 6^th grade math class and helped behind the scenes with a 4^th of July celebration held for Americans living in the Cairo area.

I keep asking myself what I could have done differently. Negotiated for more vacation time over the years? Taken all of the sick days I was granted? For today, though, it feels like I did what I had to do and what I wanted to do during my working years. I have no regrets.

I think I am finding that I am fine as I am. I may have found myself a long time ago and decided that I’d keep on pushing myself to listen more, to be empathetic, to care, and to make others feel they matter.

These days, putting myself first is working out fine. If anything, I am basking in the joy of waking up in the morning and facing each day with whatever it brings. If it’s a lunch date, or helping Joe in the garage, or writing this blog. If it’s planning our trip or collecting items around the house to pack up. It’s all good.

I have had my power all along.

That Woman

 Today was a magical day. Time well spent visiting with a friend. I drove an hour to Vallejo (51 minutes), a halfway point for each of us to meet for lunch and to connect. After 8 years of a professional relationship, we agreed we wanted to meet face-to-face.

What a treat it was to visit with her (we will call her G) on this sunny California day. We met at a seafood restaurant and talked for almost three ½ hours. The staff at the restaurant were gracious and didn’t boot us out – they even brought G fresh coffee. We talked.

And talked and talked. What a treat to spend time in her company. We discovered we both enjoy historian Heather Cox Richardson’s historical and modern interpretations on the political scene. I told G I plan to write to Heather to see if I can meet her in person during our trip next year and G totally understood why that would be an amazing opportunity. If we lived near Heather, we’d try to take one of her classes.

We also talked about our philosophies on sharing information that may help others, integrity, questioning our own perceptions, self-awareness of our own privileges, political concerns and how they are shaping our country, politicians who lie for their own personal gain (both sides of the aisle), epi pen sales, epi pen politics, the benefits/pitfalls of free education and nationalized medicine (we are both on Medicare at this point and grateful it is affordable).  The impact our adult children have on our world view and their willingness to call us out a bit when they think we need to delve deeper into an issue. And so much more.

Getting to know someone on a deeper level is energizing for me. I enjoy hearing how other people experience the world. Their perceptions, ideas, plans, and even their daily lives. Somedays it feels like there are so many amazing people to meet and learn about and how will I ever get it all done?

Oh, G, thank you for the bottle of champagne and treating me to lunch. Most of all thank you for meeting me halfway and spending time sharing your life. You are a blessing both personally and professionally. I can hardly wait to hear about your future retirement plans – even if they are still several years away.

On my way home from Vallejo, I turned on my Ed Sheeran Pandora station and sang  along with the likes of Ed and Taylor at the top of my lungs. I saw this meme on Facebook and said, “Yep this is my life now.”

So, G  - this Meme is for you!

Be That Woman

There will be days I will not feel inspired to write. However, I will share what inspires me. One of my favorite historians and political writers is Heather Cox Richardson. On days that she cannot write, she shares photographs. It feels to me like she is saying, "I know you are there, and I am thinking of you, too. Here is my gift for today."

Sometimes someone else writes exactly what I think. Donna Ashworth's poem Be That Woman resonates with me. It is my offering to you today.

BE THAT WOMAN

by Donna Ashworth

Be the kind of woman you want to call when things go wrong.
Be the motivator, the encourager of dreams.
Be the kind of fierce friend you want to have yourself.
Love your girlfriends deeply, they are your sister warriors in this world and only they know just what a crazy, hormonal ride womanhood really is.
Be loyal, love hard.
Be a soulmate, be a sister.
Be strong, be kind.
Listen hard and laugh lots.
Tell the truth but keep the secrets.
Big up everyone you meet.
Kind words travel endlessly.
If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.
Spread the sparkle of a smile and a compliment whenever you can.
There is room for us all to be happy and successful.
Lend a hand if you’re there already.
Pull your girls up.
Push them if you need to.
Straighten each other’s crowns, spot the lipstick on the teeth and the loo paper on the shoes.
Avoid the drama, smile at the haters, they’re actually admiring you from afar.

She posted her poem on Facebook with this piece of art by Kelly's Art From the Soul:

This work makes me want to pick up a brush and paint!

It's a Celebration

Peaceful. Today felt peaceful. The only thing missing from my life these days is my longtime companion, Stress. In the past, (S)he was a constant companion. Weekends were my sanctuary time; however, Stress was hanging out with me 24/7.

I would have friends over for a visit, Stress would stay in the background. Rarely, I hope, did Stress manage to interfere with my other relationships. In hindsight, I may have been fooling myself. Like me, Stress was pretty tenacious. Hanging on despite a glass of wine or meditation. Mediation was the best at reminding Stress it was time for her to go home to her own place. Still, one can only meditate so long during a workday. Stress found me welcoming as I was lousy at setting boundaries.

Still, I have no regrets. Someone had to step up and keep Stress company. And I had fun with Stress at times. There are articles on the benefits of having Stress in your life. Here is a quick link:

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_surprising_benefits_of_stress#:~:text=Manageable%20stress%20increases%20alertness%20and,an%20adaptive%20point%20of%20view.

Oh wait, it’s about Moderate Stress. Stress’ sibling?

Hmmm. I think I have met Moderate Stress on numerous occasions.

A quote from the above link:

People who feel resilient and confident that they can manage stress are much less likely to be overwhelmed by it—and more likely to have a healthy response—than people who think of stress as bad. Another factor is control. Stress is much less likely to be harmful if people have some control over the situation. A tight deadline is stressful but manageable if you have the ability to meet it. If not, if you feel helpless, the stress is more likely to be harmful. 

According to the following article there are seven (7) benefits to Moderate Stress.

https://www.goodnet.org/articles/7-surprising-ways-some-stress-actually-good-for-you

The benefits:

• Stress improves brain performance.
• It helps protect you from getting sick.
• You become more resilient.
• Stress improves your memory.
• Stress helps you focus and improves learning.
• Stress during pregnancy can make your kids smarter.
• Moderate stress is good for your mental health.

Reading these articles gave me hope that my companion, Stress, may not have been the worst friend to have hanging around. I did not feel helpless with Stress. In fact, it was only the absence of Stress that made me aware Stress had been around so much.

Here’s the thing. I don’t miss Stress, today. I am ready though if (s)he shows up anytime soon. We are going to have a celebration to make her feel welcomed… and there will be a time limit on the party.

Saturday Thoughts (15 Days Post Retirement)

 

Wow! Look. It’s a real Saturday. If I didn’t have a calendar to mark the day off of every day, I would not have a clue of what day of the week it is. And I am perfectly happy about it.

The calendar is not just to track the day of the week. I schedule appointments, lunches, and projects that go on the calendar. I try to only schedule one thing each day, so I am not plunging into a regiment. After years of following a schedule, it feels liberating to come and go as I please and choose what I wish to do in the moment versus a work To Do list that went on forever.

My calendar was empty this morning. I cooked dinner, worked on finances, downloaded medical records from our pre-Medicare health care providers, meditated, cleaned one bathroom (and did all of the chores I have been doing daily for years – like cleaning the cat’s litter box), watched a few episodes of The Closer, texted a few people to check in with them,  looked at Facebook, and here it is 6:00pm and I feel rested and ready to write for a bit.

I saw a meme the other day, it read:

You will always have problems.

Learn to enjoy life while solving them.

I read this and it took awhile before I could identify why these words disturbed me. I think it may be the way it is written. It starts with a negative. My brain ALWAYS wants to write from a positive standpoint. Years of training, perhaps? Meditation lessons I have picked up in recent years? My Pollyannish nature?

The message is good. Everyone has problems (i.e., obstacles, lessons, life events, crap). I even like problems as a test of my ability to find solutions. I suspect that I also struggle with wanting to solve problems for myself and for others to keep life on an even keel. All kinds of words bounce through my head (mostly the voices of parents and other relatives) when faced with a serious life problem:

•       “Someone, somewhere, has worse problems.”
•          “Try not to overthink it. It’s probably not as bad you think.”
•          “You’ll figure it out. You always do.”
•          “You have too much time on your hands. If you stay busy you won’t think about it.”
•          “Some things you can’t fix. Leave it alone.”
•          “Offer help. Nobody wants to feel alone.”
•          “Learn to solve your own problems and don’t burden others.”
•          “Nobody wants to hear you whine about your life.”

I sure do enjoy life. I enjoy the opportunity to learn from problems and mistakes I’ve made while solving problems.

If You Change Your Mindset You Will Change your Life

I was born with a happy gene. I have been accused of being Pollyannish. The words “rose-colored glasses’ have also been used to describe my world view.

Still, I have experienced times in my life when I fell into a ‘victim’ mentality because I could not or would not step back and assess my options. I stayed in relationships too long and to my own detriment. Relationships with family members, friends, and at jobs that ended up being very one-sided because I struggled with setting boundaries. Over the last five years I’ve worked on changing the mindset that unconditional love for others does not have to make me someone else’s doormat.

Whoa and once I change my mindset, get out of the way. Once I get committed – I act. Knock on wood… so far it has always made space for better situations to occur or better people in my life. It's not easy making the initial decision to look at things from a different perspective. I am not talking about toxic positivity either. Though I will be the first to admit I try to find the positive in almost every situation - even if it's telling myself there is a lesson for me to learn.

When I sold Mary Kay (2003 through 2015) I saw mindset changes change people’s lives over and over – including mine. I can think of two occasions when my world view was totally tipped on its head and had a positive impact. One was when I heard a speaker ask the audience, “Are you ashamed to be a salesperson? If you are, why?” I was able to answer that in my mind immediately, “Yes.” The ‘why’ took a bit longer and when I figured it out, I was able to confront my fear and concerns about others judging me as ‘less than’ because I was selling a product, I believed in.

My second epiphany, during my Mary Kay career, occurred when a sales director was talking about not assigning power to a ‘no’ from a potential client. She asked us, “If you offer someone a piece of gum and they say no, do you take it personal?” Of course not. We don’t stop liking the person or think they are rejecting us because they don’t want a piece of gum. This thought was a major breakthrough for me and one that helped carry me through to a directorship with Mary Kay for the next three years as I grew my business.

A negative mindset can also change your life. Overcoming the limitations of my own thought processes has been a lifelong journey. I know I’m not alone out here. If you get a hankering to share a mindset you changed, leave it in the comments below and just leave your first name after if you’d like (anonymous is also okay!).

Wherever Your Attention Goes, Your Energy Flows

 My attention is committed to spending time with friends since my retirement. It is the highlight of my day to have conversations with people I cherish. The conversations have been full of laughter, while others have been a deep dive into shared life stories.

I am grateful for each of the people who willingly have allowed me their time. Yesterday, I spent lunch at Wok of Flame in Davis with my close friends, Ginger and Kim. An occasion of ‘mostly’ laughter because that’s how we roll. There is even the possibility that we laugh at things others might cry over. We are friends who would call each other if we had to bury a body. Not that any one of us has a plan that would lead us to bury a body. Just sayin.’

Today, Deb Haggerty met up with me for lunch. She is a true gift from the universe. I attribute Deb’s connections, and willingness to use them, as the reason my daughter, Megan, has such a passion and love for animal rescue. I met Deb in the swimming pool at a local work out club in 2013 – we were independently water walking. As we talked about exercising in water one thing led to another and Deb shared with me about her passion for a local Golden Retriever Rescue – Homeward Bound.

I told Deb my 21-year-old daughter had filed an application with Homeward Bound to volunteer and had not heard back. Deb asked my daughter’s name and then followed up on Megan’s application. Next thing we know, Megan was volunteering!

It was an incredible opportunity for Megan to be exposed to people of all ages, work with dogs of different breeds and temperaments, and to grow in her own self-discipline. In addition to learning about dogs, Megan was learning about herself. Deb also gave Megan the opportunity to house- and dog-sit a few times, while Deb was traveling.

Megan has stayed connected with the Homeward Bound community since 2013. She volunteered off and on over the years whenever she could in her work schedule. When she was home from Minnesota this past November, Megan (and Jeremy) took a few hours during their short trip to go out to Homeward Bound to walk dogs.

Long story short, Deb Haggerty is one of our Coehlo/Cook family angels. Someone who helped to put the wheels in motion and stayed around in our lives to see the fruit of her good works.

Back in October I ran into Deb at a local restaurant. She was dining with one of her many friends and I was at a work lunch. In the few minutes we connected, I told her I was getting ready to retire and move to Minnesota, she responded, “Let’s get together and have lunch after you retire.”

Today was that magical day. We enjoyed Mexican food, margaritas, and flan while sharing our thoughts and life experiences for three hours. Oh, my goodness, what a blessing! I loved how openly Deb shares her life – the good and the sad. If we hadn’t both needed naps, I suspect it would have been time to order dinner before we left.

One topic Deb and I talked about was her training as a death doula. This is an interest I have been considering over the past three years, only I didn’t even realize there was an official death doula training available. Something to delve into further.

Another topic we discussed today was our shared belief about how important it is to share experiences and situations with other women to let them see they are not alone – whether it is menopause, mental health, the reality of parenting, or picking ourselves up after a life event knocks us down.

I will be processing our time together for days to come. Meanwhile, if you have a friend like Deb in your life, please call her today and let her know how much you appreciate her!