While this quote made me
laugh out loud, I kept mulling over how it took me years to stop stuffing
emotions.
Growing up I would hear
from the adults around me - parents, aunts, grandparents, teachers - how I
needed to manage my emotions. I don’t recall if uncles ever said things to me
about feelings or emotions. I suspect not as they were busy with their own life
interests.
As the oldest of five
children, I knew that I was a role model so not only did I have a
responsibility to ‘control’ how I projected what I was feeling – I would be responsible
for how my siblings would learn to regulate their emotions.
“You shouldn’t feel hurt.
They were just kidding.” (People could use mean or nasty words about you, but they
were only kidding so it was okay. The irony is how in the heck does a child
know this about adult behavior)?
“Don’t cry or I’ll give you
something to cry about.” (Obvious message was that physical pain was the only
reason to cry).
“Suck it up. Nobody else
needs to know how you feel. They got their own lives to deal with.”
“You are too sensitive.”
Of course, I grew up
thinking emotions were messy and since I had these feelings there must be something
wrong with me. Other people had better emotional control.
Except I knew about anger.
I saw grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers, store owners, friends of the
family, all express anger on occasion. Anger was an okay emotion to express.
And that message also taught me that anger could NOT be controlled by other
people.
Too late, being an all or
nothing person. I buried anger for years. Turning it inward on myself.
I have never learned 100%
how to manage feelings nor to completely ‘stuff them in the trunk.’ Until I was
in my forties, I would cry every time someone said something that hurt my
feelings. I would cry if I felt angry. And I learned really early that tears
were considered a weakness by some people and as a weapon to manipulate by
other people. Nobody told me crying was a natural response.
The Corporate World also made
it clear about feelings and emotions not
being welcomed in the workplace. Unless of course it was a manager or business
owner. They could express anger, frustration, arrogance with no consequences or
repercussions. I was supposed to be stoic and not respond. I learned to leave the room after what felt
like personal attacks. “Thank you for letting me know your thoughts. Could you
excuse me for a moment?” Then off to the bathroom to sob it out, splash my
face, and return to the meeting.
Over the years, when faced
with what I came to recognize as personal attacks (often they only had part of
the story and I wasn’t the person they should have been attacking or
admonishing), I learned to sit quietly and let the other person rant. Meditation
helped me to listen without engaging in judging what I was feeling. I knew it
would pass and the more still I was the more out of control they appeared. Had
I felt physically threatened I would definitely have walked out.
I am not sure I have a
clear understanding of emotional regulation and emotional stuffing. I think the
difference SHOULD be that it is okay to express an authentic emotion and that we
can still be responsible with the words we use. I recognize my feelings do not give me the
right to say things that are destructive to other people.
I have learned to be more
mindful over the years. I am entitled to my emotions and feelings. At the same
time, I can also ask questions and not make assumptions. I have worked hard at
not writing ‘stories in my head’ about other people’s motives. I’ve learned to
ask questions to have a better understanding of the message. I’ve learned it doesn’t
matter if I behave perfectly, someone else will not be mindful about how they
express themselves – because they don’t care how their words are received.
